Retain Your Fluids

Making a monster of an innocent metaphor for fun and self-discovery.

I don’t hate the advice of “Keep your cup filled up!” Keeping my mental health cup full is important. When my cup nears empty, bad things happen. It’s not a terrible metaphor, it’s just inadequate in my case. Unimaginative. Insufficiently complicated. I’ve got a better one.

“Keep your beat-up leaky bucket mostly filled up because it’s got a somewhat substantial hole in the bottom. But don’t let it get too full and definitely don’t let it overflow or you’ll get completely overwhelmed. Oh and beware of life’s curveballs smacking into your bucket and causing some major spillage.”

Much better.

The Bucket

Mine is quite worn. It’s got some dents and seen some stuff. It’s not some porcelain cup that might shatter if dropped. It’s sturdy, durable, and worse for wear.

The Greater Bucket Ecosystem

When my bucket is comfortably full, things are good. I’m feeling like myself, living the life I want. I’m happy, looking forward to whatever might be next for me. I profoundly wish my bucket spent most of its time full. It doesn’t. I’m working on it.

I spend a lot more time with a half-empty bucket. Here, things are a struggle. I move through life, but what I do easily in a day with a full bucket may take a week in this state. I sleep more than I want to, socialize less, and feel friction everywhere. There’s a viscosity to my life; every action takes additional effort.

An empty bucket is bad. I’ve lost all momentum. I have a constant desire to curl up in a ball as far away from everyone as I can manage. I stop showing up to commitments. I don’t respond to texts. I spend days on end consuming whatever gets me out of my head: video games, Netflix, books. Up until I quit, an empty bucket meant heavy, sustained drinking.

My bucket can also be too full, to the point of overflowing. Not as good as it sounds, unfortunately. When it’s overflowing, I’m overwhelmed. Too much is going on; I can’t keep up, I can’t stay grounded. It never stays overflowing for long, but then it never stays full, either.

The Hole

My bucket has a hole in it, down at the very bottom. It drains to empty if I do nothing to replenish it.

I’m not sure the hole can be completely fixed. But I’ve managed some small repairs to mine, reducing how fast it leaks. My main tools have been therapy, close friendships, books, EMDR, and endless podcasts. This is hard, time-consuming, and often expensive work. The work of a lifetime. But so very worth it – as I’m reminded every time I manage to keep my bucket full for multiple days in a row.

Unfortunately, the hole can also be made larger. My leak got worse during my time working with Doctors Without Borders. I came home in a constant low-level state of fear, making it that much harder to appreciate all the good things in my life.

Keeping it Upright

My bucket isn’t sitting on the flattest patch of ground. Something unexpectedly hard happens in my life, and my bucket gets jostled. Nearly full goes to half empty in a heartbeat.

Something really bad hits me – the loss of someone I’m close to, or some unexpected life-altering event – and my bucket is knocked over. I can’t even start filling it until I figure out how to get it back upright.

Filling it Up

So, my bucket leaks, and ideally stays full (but not overflowing.) But what fills it? What’s the magic substance that at just the right dose gives me access to the happiest version of myself?

The most effective bucket-filler I’ve found yet is human connection. Ideally deep and authentic connection, but even just being around strangers at a coffee shop can slow the leak for a while.

Exercise helps. An hour at the gym helps a little. Getting outside helps more. Going on a long hike on a gorgeous day at the top of the Rockies can bring me from near empty to almost full. If I bring a good friend along, I’m nearly guaranteed to come home feeling great.

Smaller things also help, and often they’re the only things I’m able to do when I’m running on low or empty. Getting enough (but not too much) sleep, eating well, journaling, ten minutes of mindfulness. It’s all the things I need to tend my houseplant (to start mixing metaphors.)

Keeping it Full

Finding equilibrium – keeping my bucket that right amount of full – is a constant focus of mine now. Coming to terms with the reality of having unpluggable leaks hasn’t been easy. I wish there were an option to buy a brand new bucket, free of holes and overflow proof.

At least the things I do to fill my bucket are also things that bring me joy. It’ll be nice, having learned how to fill my life with them.

Photo by Pedro Forester Da Silva

This is where I could claim that you clicking the ♥ button helps fill my bucket. Through trial and error, I’ve discovered that positive feedback on social media in fact does very little beyond the briefest dopamine hit. However, those ♥'s do help others find my writing, and hearing that something I wrote helped someone learn a little more about themselves absolutely does fill my bucket.