Cultivating Empathy

Building self-awareness in an attempt to stop hurting those around us.

I was so exhausted from work and the ongoing frustrations with my boss that I completely ignored my partner when she tried to tell me about her hard day. When she asked if I was listening, I got angry and snapped at her.

I was so overwhelmed by visiting my family for the holidays that I only gave single word responses to my niece as she tried to show me her toys and get me to play with her. I had wanted to connect with her, but ended up hurting her instead.

I was so distracted and confused by the unexpected bill from my insurance company that I acted distant and annoyed during lunch with a friend, and he left thinking I was angry with him.

I desperately wish humanity were more connected and capable of empathy right now. Instead, so many of us are bulls in the china shop, causing damage with every move we make, often unaware of the impact we’re having on those closest to us – and on society at large. Something hard happens to us, something anger inducing, and we let it ripple out through our lives and community, leaving destruction in our wake. 

Experienced anger becoming projected anger.

For a long time I was constantly guilty of this. I hurt those closest to me, pushed away those who wanted to care for me, and generally was at the mercy of whatever was driving my mood for the day. But I slowly learned how to recognize those emotions in real time, and then how to stop myself from passing them onward.

It all started with sitting quietly with my thoughts.

I first toyed with mindfulness twenty years ago, as a lonely and lost Peace Corps volunteer. A friend had sent me a short book on meditation. With no internet and very little reading material available, I devoured it and tried out the practices described within. I remember them feeling surprisingly helpful, slowing my racing mind, giving me a bit of peace in the midst of an experience I was finding deeply challenging.

I only began to practice regularly about five years ago, in an attempt to stem mounting panic attacks. I tried various approaches over the years, but kept finding a preference for simplicity.

These days I set a ten minute timer, sit down, and close my eyes. I focus on noticing my breath. If anything causes me to lose focus, I notice that, then come back to my breath. When I’m finished, I consistently end up with a slightly better sense of what’s going on in my head. And as with any consistent practice, the more I do it, the better I get.

But what’s the point? Why do it at all? Because mindfulness breeds self-awareness, and self-awareness allows us to choose how we’re going to show up in the world.

If I’m practiced in turning my attention inward and noticing what I’m experiencing, then I can influence how I react in the moment.

Bringing self-awareness to anger processing.

The more I practice Spanish, the better I get at recognizing a conversation from across the room, and the easier it gets for me to join in and be understood. Similarly, the more I practice mindfulness, the better I get at recognizing what’s going on in my head at any given moment, and the easier it gets for me to make choices based on that information and take action accordingly.

If I’m stressed out, and that stress is making me cranky, I can recognize that in the moment, and be much less likely to erupt at my coworker when they ask me an innocuous question.

If I’m feeling insecure about how little in savings I have, I can be aware of that insecurity, and any time the topic of money comes up, I'm much less likely to get defensive or change the subject.

If I’m furious that I almost got hit by a car on my way home, I can recognize that anger instead of just projecting it onto my roommate, and choose to tell him what happened instead of just getting irritated by anything he says.

This is not the same thing as emotional repression. I’m recognizing what I’m feeling in the moment, bringing awareness to it, and choosing what to do with it. I’m not taking whatever I might be feeling and immediately suppressing it. (Never a good idea.)

Being able to know what’s influencing me in a given moment and decide how I will respond is a super power — a massively under-appreciated one.

Instead of experiencing anger and then bringing that toxicity with me to every other interaction I have that day – from the barista to my colleagues to my friends and family – I now have the ability to feel that anger, recognize it, perhaps vent about it with someone, but choose to not inflict it on everyone else around me.

When I get upset by something, I no longer feel like a passenger in a car with no brakes. I used to careen through life, unwittingly dealing out damage, at the complete mercy of my overwhelmed emotions. Now I’m behind the steering wheel, in control, and the brakes even work on most days. 

So, where does empathy fit into all of this?

As I learned to be more aware of my own experiences, I learned to question instead of judge the actions of those around me. I stopped assuming that a friend being distant was angry with me, and I began to get curious about what he might be going through. I no longer acted snarky back to my snippy coworker, and instead tried to find a way to connect and have a conversation.

I began to understand that how we act on the surface tends to be hinting at a deeper hidden reality, and learned to get curious about that, instead of reactive. 

All from a regular practice of sitting in silence for ten minutes, a few times a week.

Resources

The internet is packed with many excellent mindfulness guides and apps. I’ve personally found Jeff Warren’s meditations to be very accessible. My only guidance here is that mindfulness can take just a few minutes a day, not cost any money, and still be extremely impactful.

Thanks as always for reading. If you haven’t already subscribed, please do. And if you already have a mindfulness or meditation practice of some sort and have a favorite resource or method, please leave a comment.