I so agree about empathy, Patrick - I had a very similar realization after I started therapy and recognized that pretty much all my issues with other people were driven by my own fears. I started to look at every conflict that came at me and ask what it was telling me about the other person's fears, and man was that an eye-opener.
I think it's also so important to recognize how our society constraints our feelings - women are forbidden anger, the flip side of men only being allowed anger, and both are terribly damaging. Perhaps not coincidentally, I am currently reclaiming my (properly channeled) anger, and I think my mental health is better for it.
Thank you as always Ann! This is making me wonder if part of unlocking empathy is just a matter of getting other stuff out of the way. Anything that keeps me from connecting with myself in turn gets in the way of me connecting with others perhaps? I definitely feel this way about constrained feelings. I'm still working on tapping into my anger and letting it actually flow (along with frustration, joy, grief, etc, etc, etc). I think I mostly just learned to suppress every feeling, no matter the type (but agree with you generally about how men are only given anger, and women not).
I've been struggling to make mindfulness a practice, because my perfectionism gets in the way - but this is such a good reminder of how valuable it is, even if only ten minutes a day (which seems extremely doable). Thank you for this excellent post!
I completely resonate with perfectionism getting in the way of finding a good mindfulness practice! Even when I know "there's no wrong way to do it", that critical inner voice is sometimes loud enough to make me feel like I'll never figure out something that truly works for me, let alone do it enough to make it into a practice.
I've found adding a mindful element to stuff I'm already doing (as opposed to setting aside very specific time to meditate) helps my dissonance around that voice. If I'm going for a walk, I opt out of listening to a podcast and listen to the sounds around me while feeling my feet on the ground as I step. If I'm in the shower, instead of letting my brain spiral on whatever it wants, I use that time to mindfully feel the water on my body. Another helpful one has been eating lunch, but instead of multitasking or watching videos on my phone, I slow down to actually taste the food I'm eating - turns out I could definitely be using more salt 😅
Yeah, perfectionism is a big stumbling block for me too, but I've slowly discovered that there's really no perfect way to do mindfulness and/or embodiment - there are so many different way just to meditate. There are also grounding and somatic practices, which sometimes work better for me. I really like Gillian's suggestion of a tapping meditation, and walking meditation is a thing too. Bottom line, don't worry about doing it "right," just find what works for you. Best of luck! 💛
Patrick, I could not agree more about the benefits of implementing the practice of mindfulness and/or meditation. I started a daily meditation practice almost one full year ago, and at that time I was completely terrified of my emotions. Like you, I had experimented with various forms of guided and unguided meditations at different parts of my life, but never fully committed myself to it. At the time I finally leaned into this daily meditation practice, I had completely given up alcohol and all substances about 2 months prior, but I was still feeling overwhelmed, exhausted, lonely, conflicted, anxious, distracted, and often unworthy of anything positive and fulfilling in my life. Living in that broken mind space, anger, despair, and frustration were just waiting to explode onto to those close to me or even onto myself.
I went to a Self-Love retreat at the Drala Mountain Center in early December of 2023, and there were some helpful tips disseminated to the group, but the one practice I took away from said retreat is meditating each morning for 10 minutes. The suggestion was to do it right when you wake up. Don’t look at a phone or get distracted with work, just allow your self to look within and be with your breath and thoughts for 10 minutes. I have a dog, and he didn’t exactly love that. So now I walk and feed my dog first, then come home and start my practice in a quite, safe, and comfortable space. Amazingly, I find that time outside beforehand in the early morning to be quite soothing, so there is certainly flexibility with this.
This daily practice, along with group and individual therapy, eating healthier, working out 4-6 times per week, and trying to live with a greater intention and purpose, has really helped me become a better human than I ever thought I could be. The other thing I cannot stress enough, meditation is not something you can jump into and expect to be instantly transformed. This is a daily practice of connecting to your truth, finding the space to love and acceptance yourself exactly the way you are, and committing yourself to growth and awareness. It’s similar to folks that think they can go to the gym twice a month and be in great shape. Or they can go 7 days a week for one full month and think they are fit for life. This is a compounding practice and skill, and as you allocate the time and space for it in your life, be patience with it and grow with it. I have days where it feels hard, even after a full year, but the same is true for me at the gym. Mindfulness facilities this incredible opportunity to learn and understand every single part of your being, and as Patrick noted, it’s totally free. Why are people taking the time to be on social media for 30-60 minutes a day, and not taking 10 -12 minutes to truly help themselves? I definitively know that I would not be where I am today without my daily practice, and I will continue with a 10, 12, 15, 30 minute morning practice for the rest of my time on the planet. I promise that each and every human can benefit exponentially by adding mindfulness + meditation to their life, and I hope more people lean into this wonderful practice.
Thank you so much for sharing your experience about this Blake. Really cool to hear just how much this has been of value to you (and how it looks to pair so well with some time spent outside). This is making me really want to give the first thing in the morning approach a try, if nothing else it might make me a lot more consistent with it, but I could see some real benefits in starting off my day a bit more grounded.
Also thank you for reinforcing how it takes time and practice to make progress on this, it's not going to be an immediate benefit. Completely agree with the gym metaphor too, this just feels like something that needs to be part of my life going forward to keep my mental health where I want it.
Thanks again for sharing man, you're an inspiration!
Oh also, have you ever heard of tapping meditations? It’s where you go through a meditation while tapping certain pressure points on your face/shoulders in order. There’s some whole acupressure-related theory about the tapping - I don’t know if that part of it does anything for me but I have found it a helpful way to mediate bc it gives my body something to do. Thanks for the reminder, going to make sure I start back up on a practice of that like, now. 💔
I'm glad someone mentioned tapping meditations because I find them fascinating! I'm also curious what it is in the amalgamation of pressure points, affirmation, physically doing something so I have better mind-body connection, etc that works for me. But something definitely does, particularly and especially in moments of crisis or intense emotions, which is an invaluable tool to have in the back pocket 💙
I've heard of it but haven't tried it - think I'll have to do that. I have trouble being completely still too (thanks, ADHD). Thanks for the reminder, Gillian!
I have not tried those, but I've been curious about them for awhile. I have done EMDR related tapping mindfulness (basically bilateral stimulation, where I just tap on alternating thighs), though haven't stuck with it. I definitely resonate with the idea of giving my body something to do though, sitting still is a struggle for me in the best of situations.
I’ve been so amazed and happy how much breath work is part of the kids’ school experiences/curricula. Both of them learned about belly breathing in pre-K and now C knows about square breathing (can’t remember the term she uses for it). Maybe I’m misremembering but I don’t think that was ever part of school for us? It makes me hopeful for how much more in touch with the body-emotion connections kids now will be as they get older. Thanks for sharing, as always.
I certainly don't remember that being part of school for us. Awesome to hear about it though, gives me some hope. Do you know if they integrate any sort of mindfulness ideas as well (or perhaps if they plan to when she's older?)
💯! Brilliant job distinguishing between mindfulness and emotional repression, Patrick. Mindfulness is an essential value of anyone I'm going to spend time with. I think empathy warrants its own post as many people don't understand what it is.
I really like how you have made the connection between empathy and mindfulness! And the key seems to be curiosity. As you say, empathy is basically experiencing non-judgemental curiosity about the other person. And, when you think of it, mindfullness creates the ability to experience non-judgemental curiosity about ourselves.
Yeah, I love that framing. If we can get past the judgement (about ourselves and then about others), we can unearth the curiosity that allows empathy. Thank you Madeleine.
I so agree about empathy, Patrick - I had a very similar realization after I started therapy and recognized that pretty much all my issues with other people were driven by my own fears. I started to look at every conflict that came at me and ask what it was telling me about the other person's fears, and man was that an eye-opener.
I think it's also so important to recognize how our society constraints our feelings - women are forbidden anger, the flip side of men only being allowed anger, and both are terribly damaging. Perhaps not coincidentally, I am currently reclaiming my (properly channeled) anger, and I think my mental health is better for it.
Thank you as always Ann! This is making me wonder if part of unlocking empathy is just a matter of getting other stuff out of the way. Anything that keeps me from connecting with myself in turn gets in the way of me connecting with others perhaps? I definitely feel this way about constrained feelings. I'm still working on tapping into my anger and letting it actually flow (along with frustration, joy, grief, etc, etc, etc). I think I mostly just learned to suppress every feeling, no matter the type (but agree with you generally about how men are only given anger, and women not).
Yeah, totally agree that connecting with oneself and others is two sides of the same coin
ps - I don't meditate a ton, but Jeff has always been my fav on Calm
Hah that's where I first heard ran into his stuff. Good app, although I admit I liked it more back when my work was paying for it.
Yeah, I wouldn't have it either if it wasn't paid for by Kaiser - pretty spendy without that...
I've been struggling to make mindfulness a practice, because my perfectionism gets in the way - but this is such a good reminder of how valuable it is, even if only ten minutes a day (which seems extremely doable). Thank you for this excellent post!
I completely resonate with perfectionism getting in the way of finding a good mindfulness practice! Even when I know "there's no wrong way to do it", that critical inner voice is sometimes loud enough to make me feel like I'll never figure out something that truly works for me, let alone do it enough to make it into a practice.
I've found adding a mindful element to stuff I'm already doing (as opposed to setting aside very specific time to meditate) helps my dissonance around that voice. If I'm going for a walk, I opt out of listening to a podcast and listen to the sounds around me while feeling my feet on the ground as I step. If I'm in the shower, instead of letting my brain spiral on whatever it wants, I use that time to mindfully feel the water on my body. Another helpful one has been eating lunch, but instead of multitasking or watching videos on my phone, I slow down to actually taste the food I'm eating - turns out I could definitely be using more salt 😅
Yeah, perfectionism is a big stumbling block for me too, but I've slowly discovered that there's really no perfect way to do mindfulness and/or embodiment - there are so many different way just to meditate. There are also grounding and somatic practices, which sometimes work better for me. I really like Gillian's suggestion of a tapping meditation, and walking meditation is a thing too. Bottom line, don't worry about doing it "right," just find what works for you. Best of luck! 💛
Thank you! And even five minutes, especially when starting out has been really nice for me. Good luck!
Patrick, I could not agree more about the benefits of implementing the practice of mindfulness and/or meditation. I started a daily meditation practice almost one full year ago, and at that time I was completely terrified of my emotions. Like you, I had experimented with various forms of guided and unguided meditations at different parts of my life, but never fully committed myself to it. At the time I finally leaned into this daily meditation practice, I had completely given up alcohol and all substances about 2 months prior, but I was still feeling overwhelmed, exhausted, lonely, conflicted, anxious, distracted, and often unworthy of anything positive and fulfilling in my life. Living in that broken mind space, anger, despair, and frustration were just waiting to explode onto to those close to me or even onto myself.
I went to a Self-Love retreat at the Drala Mountain Center in early December of 2023, and there were some helpful tips disseminated to the group, but the one practice I took away from said retreat is meditating each morning for 10 minutes. The suggestion was to do it right when you wake up. Don’t look at a phone or get distracted with work, just allow your self to look within and be with your breath and thoughts for 10 minutes. I have a dog, and he didn’t exactly love that. So now I walk and feed my dog first, then come home and start my practice in a quite, safe, and comfortable space. Amazingly, I find that time outside beforehand in the early morning to be quite soothing, so there is certainly flexibility with this.
This daily practice, along with group and individual therapy, eating healthier, working out 4-6 times per week, and trying to live with a greater intention and purpose, has really helped me become a better human than I ever thought I could be. The other thing I cannot stress enough, meditation is not something you can jump into and expect to be instantly transformed. This is a daily practice of connecting to your truth, finding the space to love and acceptance yourself exactly the way you are, and committing yourself to growth and awareness. It’s similar to folks that think they can go to the gym twice a month and be in great shape. Or they can go 7 days a week for one full month and think they are fit for life. This is a compounding practice and skill, and as you allocate the time and space for it in your life, be patience with it and grow with it. I have days where it feels hard, even after a full year, but the same is true for me at the gym. Mindfulness facilities this incredible opportunity to learn and understand every single part of your being, and as Patrick noted, it’s totally free. Why are people taking the time to be on social media for 30-60 minutes a day, and not taking 10 -12 minutes to truly help themselves? I definitively know that I would not be where I am today without my daily practice, and I will continue with a 10, 12, 15, 30 minute morning practice for the rest of my time on the planet. I promise that each and every human can benefit exponentially by adding mindfulness + meditation to their life, and I hope more people lean into this wonderful practice.
Thank you so much for sharing your experience about this Blake. Really cool to hear just how much this has been of value to you (and how it looks to pair so well with some time spent outside). This is making me really want to give the first thing in the morning approach a try, if nothing else it might make me a lot more consistent with it, but I could see some real benefits in starting off my day a bit more grounded.
Also thank you for reinforcing how it takes time and practice to make progress on this, it's not going to be an immediate benefit. Completely agree with the gym metaphor too, this just feels like something that needs to be part of my life going forward to keep my mental health where I want it.
Thanks again for sharing man, you're an inspiration!
Oh also, have you ever heard of tapping meditations? It’s where you go through a meditation while tapping certain pressure points on your face/shoulders in order. There’s some whole acupressure-related theory about the tapping - I don’t know if that part of it does anything for me but I have found it a helpful way to mediate bc it gives my body something to do. Thanks for the reminder, going to make sure I start back up on a practice of that like, now. 💔
I'm glad someone mentioned tapping meditations because I find them fascinating! I'm also curious what it is in the amalgamation of pressure points, affirmation, physically doing something so I have better mind-body connection, etc that works for me. But something definitely does, particularly and especially in moments of crisis or intense emotions, which is an invaluable tool to have in the back pocket 💙
I've heard of it but haven't tried it - think I'll have to do that. I have trouble being completely still too (thanks, ADHD). Thanks for the reminder, Gillian!
Since YouTube is kind of a nightmare to wade through - this short playlist has some good ones that are very straightforward. I did the free trial on that company’s app once and they were pretty good. https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PL6nd1vbjqG8UkHPHDFUH1GCu53MLimX1Q&feature=shared
Thank you! I'm sure that will be super helpful 💛
I have not tried those, but I've been curious about them for awhile. I have done EMDR related tapping mindfulness (basically bilateral stimulation, where I just tap on alternating thighs), though haven't stuck with it. I definitely resonate with the idea of giving my body something to do though, sitting still is a struggle for me in the best of situations.
I’ve been so amazed and happy how much breath work is part of the kids’ school experiences/curricula. Both of them learned about belly breathing in pre-K and now C knows about square breathing (can’t remember the term she uses for it). Maybe I’m misremembering but I don’t think that was ever part of school for us? It makes me hopeful for how much more in touch with the body-emotion connections kids now will be as they get older. Thanks for sharing, as always.
I certainly don't remember that being part of school for us. Awesome to hear about it though, gives me some hope. Do you know if they integrate any sort of mindfulness ideas as well (or perhaps if they plan to when she's older?)
💯! Brilliant job distinguishing between mindfulness and emotional repression, Patrick. Mindfulness is an essential value of anyone I'm going to spend time with. I think empathy warrants its own post as many people don't understand what it is.
Thanks! Yeah I was noticing that when writing this, definitely could get way way deeper into empathy!
I really like how you have made the connection between empathy and mindfulness! And the key seems to be curiosity. As you say, empathy is basically experiencing non-judgemental curiosity about the other person. And, when you think of it, mindfullness creates the ability to experience non-judgemental curiosity about ourselves.
Yeah, I love that framing. If we can get past the judgement (about ourselves and then about others), we can unearth the curiosity that allows empathy. Thank you Madeleine.