Yes to all of this! There is so much *pressure* built into what the holidays should be, with warm cozy gatherings, gifts and food - and expectations for what you’re supposed to do. It’s taken me several years to be comfortable in my choice of not going “home” because of the mental/emotional gauntlet it takes, and communicating that to others. And even though I have better holidays because of it, I still feel sad and lonely because of the so many *shoulds* of the holidays. It’ll be over a decade of going my own way at this point, and while it’s much easier now than before, it’s still a hard season. What’s helped me this year is letting go of some expectations and settling into it just being a week or two of time that passes.
Ooof yes, the ever present "shoulds" really do come out of the woodwork this time of year. And at times go from a little voice in the back of my head to actual voices of those around me. Thanks for sharing Christy, I always appreciate hearing your reality.
"I hesitate to write about this or even admit to it. "
"If I had that advice, maybe I’d be in a better spot mentally right now and be writing about something else."
And oh boy, aren't I (and your other readers) glad that this is what you wrote about, warts and all. A few of your points brought up a rueful smile.
It's been pouring rain almost all month. I'd prefer ice and snow, to be honest. For me that alone has been a great excuse to skip my regular walks. And pilates lessons are over for the Christmas break. I guess that what I'm realizing while reading your post is that the holidays form a great excuse for me to stop doing all the stuff that was good for me and simply INDULGE. I'm not sure what the reasoning is behind this; I just want an excuse, and this is as good as any.
I love to cook (runs in the family), and my main reason for loving Christmas is that I have a reason to cook up a storm. This year dinner is at my son's house, and he'll do the cooking (I do get to bring a pie for dessert). We've pretty much done away with all the 'shoulds' around the holidays, which I'm grateful for. Even the gift-giving is simple.
But what really got me thinking was your comment about regression. Yes, when there was still a 'home' to go back to, it always called up ghosts. But I've internalized all my ghosts, so I don't need a childhood bedroom to play out my old dramas in, I do that anyway. I've been sitting down with a few of my ghosts for a proper Voice Dialogue recently. It does seem to help.
I'm wishing you warmth and gratitude in spite of everything. And the ability to forgive yourself for whatever happens. We'll both do that: Deal!
I love that deal, and am absolutely on board. I also totally relate to the weather giving me the excuse to indulge, it adds just enough friction that suddenly I'm playing video games for hours instead of taking that slightly extra effort to take a walk in the cold.
I think having my family in Minnesota now helps with the ghosts, I still get to see everyone but am no longer staying in my childhood bedroom. I had to look up voice dialogue, and realized I'm very familiar with it, and have found it quite helpful in the past. Thank you for the reminder of the power there, I keep forgetting how easily I can access that outside of therapy. (Been reading No Bad Parts recently, which has quite a lot of that in it.)
Hope you have a lovely time at your son's, and still get to cook at least a fair bit. One of my favorite parts of the year is cooking together with Gillian, I learn something new from her every time. Take care, and thank you so much for reading and contributing!
Patrick, thank you so much for sending this, and thank you to everyone who took the time to comment. There are many of us that fall into this dark, confusing, and very heavy space this time of year, and seeing others open up about their own struggles makes me feel much more connected. I have so much gratitude, empathy, and compassion towards you all, and your words are all gifts.
I absolutely love what Christy noted about 'pressure'. For me, it is not a pressure of being/feeling overwhelmed with things to do, in fact, it is the exact opposite. I have one family member to spend the holidays with, my mom, and our relationship is tumultuous at best. No nieces or nephews, no extended family, just me and my doggo. As a non-drinker, I bypass many of the holiday celebrations with friends that used to be a part of my annual ‘way to cope,’ as those parties were exhausting to me when I did drink, and even more so now.
I spent last Saturday night in Old Town with a friend looking at lights, I went to a work holiday event on Tuesday, watched my favorite Christmas movies over the last couple weeks, and even listened to my favorite Xmas music. This palpable ‘pressure’ for me is doing everything in my power to manifest this feeling of holiday ‘joy’, and it often barely or never shows up. In fact, the reverse effect typically happens (for me), and feeling so isolated and alone is deeply painful. Society puts these false expectations on us of how we are all supposed to act, live, experience, and feel, and this time of year it is infinitely exaggerated.
For those of us who feel this way, it is imperative to remember we’re not alone. My question, if some of these so called ‘holiday traditions’ aren’t making us feel great, shouldn’t we consider changing them? If my brain, body, and soul were telling me that something else in my life was causing me pain, I would seek to change them and/or make them better. Shouldn’t holiday traditions follow suit? If/when they feel great, by all means lean into them, soak them up. But if/when they don’t, there simply has to a be a better way to navigate the bright, colorful, and cheery illusion that often hangs over us this time of year.
Hey Blake, thanks for your deeply thoughtful contribution, I really appreciate it as always. I've been thinking about your question since yesterday, makes me want to chat about it more in depth next time we grab coffee, I'm not sure I can do it justice here. I'm noticing an appreciation that you still attempt to lean into the potential for joy this time of year, although I also hope you're doing that because you want to, not because you feel like you have to, if that makes sense. But I also don't at all blame you for seeking that out.. I think part of what I really struggle with is seeing others experience what feels like such genuine joy, and wanting more of that for myself (and the spiral that results from that thought pattern.) That's all I got for now, too fried to give you a proper response, but looking forward to diving deeper on this with you soon. Take care.
Hanging out with the family for holidays typically ranges from boring to infuriating. I now refuse to travel on those big travel days around Thanksgiving. If near-by family invites me, I may show up for just a couple hours. If I'm there too long, I get bored and start looking for the booze. I'm going to go snowboarding on Christmas this year. Getting a couple hours without lift lines on Christmas morning is a gift from God. I only get the 25th and 1st off from work so I'll work all the other days to keep my PTO for time off that I actually want to take - at times of year when there is literally more daylight. That could involve seeing some family but not all the family at once and stuck in a house. I could think these holiday things are obligatory and dread it, but I realize that familial/societal norms and expectations around the holidays are not obligatory. At least for now, in the USA, we have the freedom to not participate.
I’m realizing that the holiday event schedule tends to put me in a constant low grade “fight or flight” mode while my more gregarious friends are filling their tanks up with positive energy from the same interactions. I am sure there are many reasons for the difference, but you are correct, the only real answer is to just get through the holiday slog the best we can finding some bright spots in the process.
Omg “constant low grade fight or flight” - nail on the head. Exactly how I start feeling around oh, the week before Thanksgiving and all the way through early January. This cannot be good for us!
Yeah I hear you on that, and have noticed/wondered the same. I certainly wish I could just embrace that positive energy, but accepting that it's a bit more complex for a lot of us has helped me make some peace with it. (And I think helped me accept that I need to do things like keep getting exercise if I don't want to get completely overwhelmed.)
Right? Let's just throw everything into chaos, end it all by staying up too late and celebrating the change of the calendar with a bunch of strangers, then head into the coldest and darkest time of the year and wonder why we're not back to any semblance of equanimity until May or so.
Thanks for this Patrick- I was telling my therapist earlier this week about how many little things I had to do this holiday season and how they were all weighing on me and stressing me out. Her suggestion made me realize how badly my poor brain works when it is overwhelmed. Yes I know how to make lists and scratch things off when I finish, and no, it never occurred to me to do that with all the stuff that is piling up/ approaching.
Hah absolutely. One of those articles kicking around in my head is around overwhelm and how absolutely debilitating I find it. (And of course I almost always only recognize it once it's too late.) I may have discussed the same subject with my therapist yesterday 🤦🏼♂️. Thanks for reading!
"Whatever the case, make sure you spend some extra time focusing on what you didn’t accomplish. Those internalized expectations aren’t going to live up to themselves." 💯🤣
another amazingly crafted post yet again. I too dislike this time of year, especially given all my family are in the UK and I'm under constant pressure to "come home" for the holidays which I've done quite a few times but have never really enjoyed it, it brings back too many memories. Because my daughter is in the UK, this time of the year is the time I miss her the most, and now we have a grandson, it makes it even worse. This holiday period has turned out to be a bit of a dumpster fire, I was supposed to join my wife in CA for the holidays with some of our dear friends, but the house/dog sitter was a failure to show yesterday, so it's just me any my black lab this week. My wife was all for coming back to our home but I told her that should stay in CA and enjoy her time with our friends but at least we'll get to spend new years eve together. Patrick, I admire everything you write and it's both uplifting, insightful, and gives pause for reflective thought. Best wishes my friend.
Yes to all of this! There is so much *pressure* built into what the holidays should be, with warm cozy gatherings, gifts and food - and expectations for what you’re supposed to do. It’s taken me several years to be comfortable in my choice of not going “home” because of the mental/emotional gauntlet it takes, and communicating that to others. And even though I have better holidays because of it, I still feel sad and lonely because of the so many *shoulds* of the holidays. It’ll be over a decade of going my own way at this point, and while it’s much easier now than before, it’s still a hard season. What’s helped me this year is letting go of some expectations and settling into it just being a week or two of time that passes.
Ooof yes, the ever present "shoulds" really do come out of the woodwork this time of year. And at times go from a little voice in the back of my head to actual voices of those around me. Thanks for sharing Christy, I always appreciate hearing your reality.
"I hesitate to write about this or even admit to it. "
"If I had that advice, maybe I’d be in a better spot mentally right now and be writing about something else."
And oh boy, aren't I (and your other readers) glad that this is what you wrote about, warts and all. A few of your points brought up a rueful smile.
It's been pouring rain almost all month. I'd prefer ice and snow, to be honest. For me that alone has been a great excuse to skip my regular walks. And pilates lessons are over for the Christmas break. I guess that what I'm realizing while reading your post is that the holidays form a great excuse for me to stop doing all the stuff that was good for me and simply INDULGE. I'm not sure what the reasoning is behind this; I just want an excuse, and this is as good as any.
I love to cook (runs in the family), and my main reason for loving Christmas is that I have a reason to cook up a storm. This year dinner is at my son's house, and he'll do the cooking (I do get to bring a pie for dessert). We've pretty much done away with all the 'shoulds' around the holidays, which I'm grateful for. Even the gift-giving is simple.
But what really got me thinking was your comment about regression. Yes, when there was still a 'home' to go back to, it always called up ghosts. But I've internalized all my ghosts, so I don't need a childhood bedroom to play out my old dramas in, I do that anyway. I've been sitting down with a few of my ghosts for a proper Voice Dialogue recently. It does seem to help.
I'm wishing you warmth and gratitude in spite of everything. And the ability to forgive yourself for whatever happens. We'll both do that: Deal!
I love that deal, and am absolutely on board. I also totally relate to the weather giving me the excuse to indulge, it adds just enough friction that suddenly I'm playing video games for hours instead of taking that slightly extra effort to take a walk in the cold.
I think having my family in Minnesota now helps with the ghosts, I still get to see everyone but am no longer staying in my childhood bedroom. I had to look up voice dialogue, and realized I'm very familiar with it, and have found it quite helpful in the past. Thank you for the reminder of the power there, I keep forgetting how easily I can access that outside of therapy. (Been reading No Bad Parts recently, which has quite a lot of that in it.)
Hope you have a lovely time at your son's, and still get to cook at least a fair bit. One of my favorite parts of the year is cooking together with Gillian, I learn something new from her every time. Take care, and thank you so much for reading and contributing!
Patrick, thank you so much for sending this, and thank you to everyone who took the time to comment. There are many of us that fall into this dark, confusing, and very heavy space this time of year, and seeing others open up about their own struggles makes me feel much more connected. I have so much gratitude, empathy, and compassion towards you all, and your words are all gifts.
I absolutely love what Christy noted about 'pressure'. For me, it is not a pressure of being/feeling overwhelmed with things to do, in fact, it is the exact opposite. I have one family member to spend the holidays with, my mom, and our relationship is tumultuous at best. No nieces or nephews, no extended family, just me and my doggo. As a non-drinker, I bypass many of the holiday celebrations with friends that used to be a part of my annual ‘way to cope,’ as those parties were exhausting to me when I did drink, and even more so now.
I spent last Saturday night in Old Town with a friend looking at lights, I went to a work holiday event on Tuesday, watched my favorite Christmas movies over the last couple weeks, and even listened to my favorite Xmas music. This palpable ‘pressure’ for me is doing everything in my power to manifest this feeling of holiday ‘joy’, and it often barely or never shows up. In fact, the reverse effect typically happens (for me), and feeling so isolated and alone is deeply painful. Society puts these false expectations on us of how we are all supposed to act, live, experience, and feel, and this time of year it is infinitely exaggerated.
For those of us who feel this way, it is imperative to remember we’re not alone. My question, if some of these so called ‘holiday traditions’ aren’t making us feel great, shouldn’t we consider changing them? If my brain, body, and soul were telling me that something else in my life was causing me pain, I would seek to change them and/or make them better. Shouldn’t holiday traditions follow suit? If/when they feel great, by all means lean into them, soak them up. But if/when they don’t, there simply has to a be a better way to navigate the bright, colorful, and cheery illusion that often hangs over us this time of year.
Hey Blake, thanks for your deeply thoughtful contribution, I really appreciate it as always. I've been thinking about your question since yesterday, makes me want to chat about it more in depth next time we grab coffee, I'm not sure I can do it justice here. I'm noticing an appreciation that you still attempt to lean into the potential for joy this time of year, although I also hope you're doing that because you want to, not because you feel like you have to, if that makes sense. But I also don't at all blame you for seeking that out.. I think part of what I really struggle with is seeing others experience what feels like such genuine joy, and wanting more of that for myself (and the spiral that results from that thought pattern.) That's all I got for now, too fried to give you a proper response, but looking forward to diving deeper on this with you soon. Take care.
"Ready, Set, Dissociate!" -- 1000%
Hanging out with the family for holidays typically ranges from boring to infuriating. I now refuse to travel on those big travel days around Thanksgiving. If near-by family invites me, I may show up for just a couple hours. If I'm there too long, I get bored and start looking for the booze. I'm going to go snowboarding on Christmas this year. Getting a couple hours without lift lines on Christmas morning is a gift from God. I only get the 25th and 1st off from work so I'll work all the other days to keep my PTO for time off that I actually want to take - at times of year when there is literally more daylight. That could involve seeing some family but not all the family at once and stuck in a house. I could think these holiday things are obligatory and dread it, but I realize that familial/societal norms and expectations around the holidays are not obligatory. At least for now, in the USA, we have the freedom to not participate.
I’m realizing that the holiday event schedule tends to put me in a constant low grade “fight or flight” mode while my more gregarious friends are filling their tanks up with positive energy from the same interactions. I am sure there are many reasons for the difference, but you are correct, the only real answer is to just get through the holiday slog the best we can finding some bright spots in the process.
Omg “constant low grade fight or flight” - nail on the head. Exactly how I start feeling around oh, the week before Thanksgiving and all the way through early January. This cannot be good for us!
Yeah I hear you on that, and have noticed/wondered the same. I certainly wish I could just embrace that positive energy, but accepting that it's a bit more complex for a lot of us has helped me make some peace with it. (And I think helped me accept that I need to do things like keep getting exercise if I don't want to get completely overwhelmed.)
:lolsob: to #6! Ending the year with a month of changed routines does indeed make it hard to start the "new year" with equanimity.
Right? Let's just throw everything into chaos, end it all by staying up too late and celebrating the change of the calendar with a bunch of strangers, then head into the coldest and darkest time of the year and wonder why we're not back to any semblance of equanimity until May or so.
Thanks for this Patrick- I was telling my therapist earlier this week about how many little things I had to do this holiday season and how they were all weighing on me and stressing me out. Her suggestion made me realize how badly my poor brain works when it is overwhelmed. Yes I know how to make lists and scratch things off when I finish, and no, it never occurred to me to do that with all the stuff that is piling up/ approaching.
Also- Happy Holidays back to you!
Hah absolutely. One of those articles kicking around in my head is around overwhelm and how absolutely debilitating I find it. (And of course I almost always only recognize it once it's too late.) I may have discussed the same subject with my therapist yesterday 🤦🏼♂️. Thanks for reading!
"Whatever the case, make sure you spend some extra time focusing on what you didn’t accomplish. Those internalized expectations aren’t going to live up to themselves." 💯🤣
another amazingly crafted post yet again. I too dislike this time of year, especially given all my family are in the UK and I'm under constant pressure to "come home" for the holidays which I've done quite a few times but have never really enjoyed it, it brings back too many memories. Because my daughter is in the UK, this time of the year is the time I miss her the most, and now we have a grandson, it makes it even worse. This holiday period has turned out to be a bit of a dumpster fire, I was supposed to join my wife in CA for the holidays with some of our dear friends, but the house/dog sitter was a failure to show yesterday, so it's just me any my black lab this week. My wife was all for coming back to our home but I told her that should stay in CA and enjoy her time with our friends but at least we'll get to spend new years eve together. Patrick, I admire everything you write and it's both uplifting, insightful, and gives pause for reflective thought. Best wishes my friend.