Let Me Count The Ways
Tis the season.
There are several articles I would’ve preferred writing for today’s post. Ideas that have been germinating in my mind for months, the details slowly coalescing. But after hours of staring at my screen with only a few unruly paragraphs to show for it, I’ve accepted that those aren’t going to happen this week. My mind is too resistant, I’m too low on the ladder. Ever since the week of Thanksgiving, I’ve fallen into a holiday funk – one I’m well acquainted with, having experienced it in one form or another for the past twenty years.
I hesitate to write about this, or even admit to it. I do, after all, have family to go home to. I am genuinely looking forward to Christmas morning – the great food, the pure joy brought by my niece and nephew as they open their stockings. The comfort of a set of traditions I’ve been loving my entire life. Yet it also remains a hard time of year for me. Mentally, I have a nicely decorated Christmas tree all set up in my mind. Unfortunately, I also have a herd of cats tearing around in my head, intent on breaking every single ornament on their way to knocking the tree over (and setting the house on fire, if possible.)
So, for today’s post, here’s a very incomplete list of reasons why this time of year can be a slog. Some of these apply to me, some don’t. Whether you absolutely love December or can’t wait for January to arrive, I hope this helps you to either feel a little bit seen or better see and understand others.
Twelve Reasons for the Season
1. What do you have going on for the holidays?
The societal expectation of having plans for the season is real. I’ve straight up lied about having people to see and places to go just to avoid the awkwardness of saying I’m staying home by myself.
2. Where’s home for you?
This is when we go see family, when we go home! Want to admit you don’t have a home to go back to? Be prepared to be personally blamed (directly or passive-aggressively) for ruining the holiday spirit.
3. Regression is Real.
If you do have a home to return to and family to see, be ready to experience some feelings and reactions that you were pretty sure you left in highschool. Returning to that childhood bedroom brings back the good, bad, and a whole lot in between.
4. It’s Dark.
Literally the darkest time of the year. Literally. Never has it been easier to spend more hours on your phone in a day than the sun will spend in the sky.
5. It’s Cold.
I grew up in Southern California. The first time it got cold enough to freeze water in the winter I was 6 years old. Mom took me and my sisters outside to show us the birdbath turned to ice. Now I live in Colorado where it rains ice and I have to scrape it off my car windows just to leave the house. I do not relish this.
6. Let’s draw things out just long enough to break every good habit I’ve developed this year.
Maybe, in an attempt to maintain some semblance of mental equilibrium, I’ve been surprisingly good at getting to the gym, going outside, eating healthily, journaling, and meditating this year. Now watch me do none of those things for the entire second half of December. What could possibly go wrong?
7. No matter what I get you, it’s going to be wrong.
Do I get you the thing that I’m pretty sure you’ll sort of like, or do I hold out, hoping I find the perfect gift? Or do I collapse into paralyzing indecision, get you nothing, and convince myself I’ve ruined our friendship due to my lack of foresight and care? Now repeat this for every single relationship in my life.
8. Ready, Set, Dissociate!
Time for the grand finale of the masking performance I’ve been practicing for all year. Just how convincingly can I say “I’m good, how about you?” while suppressing the eye twitch and hundred-yard stare?
9. One holiday not enough? How about another?
So you’ve managed to navigate the family (or lack thereof) gauntlet. How’re those NYE plans shaping up? Are you sure you’re going to be in the right place with the right person having the time of your life? Absolutely sure? Maybe a little second guessing and rumination could come in handy here?
10. Let’s take a look back at those resolutions!
Did you get them all done? Do you even remember what they were? Whatever the case, make sure you spend some extra time focusing on what you didn’t accomplish. Those internalized expectations aren’t going to live up to themselves.
11. Your life isn’t going quite right? Let’s poke that wound.
This one hits hardest. I’m 42, single, and as cliche as it sounds, nothing brings your lack of a relationship into stark relief more than being single on the holidays. Being repeatedly asked about it (even good naturedly) doesn't seem to help matters. Being asked for updates on that ex I haven’t spoken to in five years is a particularly inventive twist of the knife.
12. Not the easiest time to be sober.
For all the reasons listed above, the pull towards a substance to help quiet things down and give my brain a little break is extra strong this time of year. Add being surrounded by booze at pretty much any remotely holiday adjacent event for a nice increase in difficulty level. Just one more added bit of stress to throw on the pile.
Here’s where I would give some well thought out advice on how to get over these, to nicely wrap up this article like a well considered present. That’s not happening. If I had that advice, maybe I’d be in a better spot mentally right now, and be writing about something else. All I’ll say is please lean into compassion this time of year. For yourself, if you’re struggling. Or for others, if they’re having a hard time accessing the joy you’re feeling.
Happy holidays. Really.
Yes to all of this! There is so much *pressure* built into what the holidays should be, with warm cozy gatherings, gifts and food - and expectations for what you’re supposed to do. It’s taken me several years to be comfortable in my choice of not going “home” because of the mental/emotional gauntlet it takes, and communicating that to others. And even though I have better holidays because of it, I still feel sad and lonely because of the so many *shoulds* of the holidays. It’ll be over a decade of going my own way at this point, and while it’s much easier now than before, it’s still a hard season. What’s helped me this year is letting go of some expectations and settling into it just being a week or two of time that passes.
"I hesitate to write about this or even admit to it. "
"If I had that advice, maybe I’d be in a better spot mentally right now and be writing about something else."
And oh boy, aren't I (and your other readers) glad that this is what you wrote about, warts and all. A few of your points brought up a rueful smile.
It's been pouring rain almost all month. I'd prefer ice and snow, to be honest. For me that alone has been a great excuse to skip my regular walks. And pilates lessons are over for the Christmas break. I guess that what I'm realizing while reading your post is that the holidays form a great excuse for me to stop doing all the stuff that was good for me and simply INDULGE. I'm not sure what the reasoning is behind this; I just want an excuse, and this is as good as any.
I love to cook (runs in the family), and my main reason for loving Christmas is that I have a reason to cook up a storm. This year dinner is at my son's house, and he'll do the cooking (I do get to bring a pie for dessert). We've pretty much done away with all the 'shoulds' around the holidays, which I'm grateful for. Even the gift-giving is simple.
But what really got me thinking was your comment about regression. Yes, when there was still a 'home' to go back to, it always called up ghosts. But I've internalized all my ghosts, so I don't need a childhood bedroom to play out my old dramas in, I do that anyway. I've been sitting down with a few of my ghosts for a proper Voice Dialogue recently. It does seem to help.
I'm wishing you warmth and gratitude in spite of everything. And the ability to forgive yourself for whatever happens. We'll both do that: Deal!