What a fantastic article, thank you for exploring this in such detail. I am in the trenches with learning the depth of what it means to be gripped by resentments, but also how for the first time through recovery I get to see that it's all very normal and human -- not some catastrophe right out of the gate. And it's all opportunities to become known, and to know others better. It's like a resentment is a chance to be willing to change - a little challenge of sorts. :) Not for the faint of heart!
Glad to hear you enjoyed it! I certainly spent a long time using alcohol to avoid actually facing my resentments, let alone talking to others about them. I also used it to avoid actually hearing others and being accountable when they shared growing resentments with me. Definitely agreed that they're so normal and human. I love the idea of each resentment being reframed as a little challenge! I certainly see approaching the resentment head on and doing the hard thing (talking about it) as a great way to take a step towards being more known and connected.
Great article! I am definitely guilty of this but lack the confidence to state my emotional needs because of fear of rejection. I hope I can learn to be as brave and vulnerable as your friend.
Thank you! And thanks for sharing. Fear of rejection is such a tricky one, I struggle with that as well, especially with authority figures (or people I label as authority figures, even if they're not). I hope to write more about that fear in the future, it's such a key part of all of this, thank you for mentioning it.
I love this Patrick - thank you for sharing. Wouldn't it be amazing if we could have open and honest conversations about what we're really feeling, like you did with your friend! I have explored Non-violent communication before and will soon be doing a course on it as this really helps to state our needs rather than accusing another person (e.g. 'When this happened, I felt this' rather than 'You made me feel this'). It's a courageous way to show up in the world that can only deepen connections - I really want to do this more in my life.
Thank you! I've been meaning to learn more about non-violent communication, I keep coming across it. I'll be curious to hear how your course on it goes!
Marshall Rosenberg’s book is a great starting point :) I think, like with anything, it’s great to learn but the harder part is how to keep the practise up and integrate it into my life - so I will be bearing that in mind!
Well said. I think the biggest help to me in recovery has been learning to process and let go of resentments. I always play a part in them even if I think the resentment is “justified”. I used to get enough drinks in me that restraint of pen & tongue went flying out the door. I still battle resentments for sure but I manage them more constructively (usually).
Thank you! Yeah I've totally fell down the "this is justified" path for a resentment, although in that case you'd hope I'd be more likely to bring it up with the other person. And man, the worst time to bring up a resentment is when drinking. Sure didn't stop me though.
love this. So helpful. I am in the middle of a resentment spiral with my grown daughter. We are both hurting and are barely communicating. Thank you for this piece. love your illustrations. Also super helpful.
Ah man, that sounds so tough, my heart goes out to you both. Those spirals involving family can be so tricky as they can have up to entire lifetimes of resentments behind them. Really appreciate hearing that this was helpful, wishing you the best!
Great article and makes so much sense. I’ve been stuck in the cycle of resentment for far too long and at great cost. Naming it and talking about it are things I definitely need to work on.
Hey thanks, happy to hear it resonated with you. It's a brutal cycle for sure, and I'm still working on climbing out of it myself in several places (and not falling back in!). Good luck!
Just read an article that provides this observation:
We try to talk through our differences. Every couple will have conflict. What matters is how we deal with that conflict. My husband and I talk about these things in a way that makes our boundaries clear, but that doesn't shame the other person.
The most important thing for me has been not to turn those differences into a reason to think my partner doesn't care about me. I sometimes catch myself thinking: If he loved me, he would do things my way. But in reality, we are just different people with different backgrounds.
Yup, conflict is gonna happen for sure. I think I really like the simplicity of just asking "could this end up causing resentment?" and if so, trying to have those conversations in a caring but honest way, and definitely without shaming.
Thank you! And great question. My niece (9) has definitely had more education around self awareness and communication than I ever got in school though, so that gives me some hope. But definitely feels like an area that could have such tremendous payoff (and avoid so much pain) if it was taught seriously throughout elementary school.
What a fantastic article, thank you for exploring this in such detail. I am in the trenches with learning the depth of what it means to be gripped by resentments, but also how for the first time through recovery I get to see that it's all very normal and human -- not some catastrophe right out of the gate. And it's all opportunities to become known, and to know others better. It's like a resentment is a chance to be willing to change - a little challenge of sorts. :) Not for the faint of heart!
Glad to hear you enjoyed it! I certainly spent a long time using alcohol to avoid actually facing my resentments, let alone talking to others about them. I also used it to avoid actually hearing others and being accountable when they shared growing resentments with me. Definitely agreed that they're so normal and human. I love the idea of each resentment being reframed as a little challenge! I certainly see approaching the resentment head on and doing the hard thing (talking about it) as a great way to take a step towards being more known and connected.
Great article! I am definitely guilty of this but lack the confidence to state my emotional needs because of fear of rejection. I hope I can learn to be as brave and vulnerable as your friend.
Thank you! And thanks for sharing. Fear of rejection is such a tricky one, I struggle with that as well, especially with authority figures (or people I label as authority figures, even if they're not). I hope to write more about that fear in the future, it's such a key part of all of this, thank you for mentioning it.
I love this Patrick - thank you for sharing. Wouldn't it be amazing if we could have open and honest conversations about what we're really feeling, like you did with your friend! I have explored Non-violent communication before and will soon be doing a course on it as this really helps to state our needs rather than accusing another person (e.g. 'When this happened, I felt this' rather than 'You made me feel this'). It's a courageous way to show up in the world that can only deepen connections - I really want to do this more in my life.
Thank you! I've been meaning to learn more about non-violent communication, I keep coming across it. I'll be curious to hear how your course on it goes!
Marshall Rosenberg’s book is a great starting point :) I think, like with anything, it’s great to learn but the harder part is how to keep the practise up and integrate it into my life - so I will be bearing that in mind!
Well said. I think the biggest help to me in recovery has been learning to process and let go of resentments. I always play a part in them even if I think the resentment is “justified”. I used to get enough drinks in me that restraint of pen & tongue went flying out the door. I still battle resentments for sure but I manage them more constructively (usually).
Thank you! Yeah I've totally fell down the "this is justified" path for a resentment, although in that case you'd hope I'd be more likely to bring it up with the other person. And man, the worst time to bring up a resentment is when drinking. Sure didn't stop me though.
love this. So helpful. I am in the middle of a resentment spiral with my grown daughter. We are both hurting and are barely communicating. Thank you for this piece. love your illustrations. Also super helpful.
Ah man, that sounds so tough, my heart goes out to you both. Those spirals involving family can be so tricky as they can have up to entire lifetimes of resentments behind them. Really appreciate hearing that this was helpful, wishing you the best!
Thank you so much.
Great article and makes so much sense. I’ve been stuck in the cycle of resentment for far too long and at great cost. Naming it and talking about it are things I definitely need to work on.
Hey thanks, happy to hear it resonated with you. It's a brutal cycle for sure, and I'm still working on climbing out of it myself in several places (and not falling back in!). Good luck!
Just read an article that provides this observation:
We try to talk through our differences. Every couple will have conflict. What matters is how we deal with that conflict. My husband and I talk about these things in a way that makes our boundaries clear, but that doesn't shame the other person.
The most important thing for me has been not to turn those differences into a reason to think my partner doesn't care about me. I sometimes catch myself thinking: If he loved me, he would do things my way. But in reality, we are just different people with different backgrounds.
I
Yup, conflict is gonna happen for sure. I think I really like the simplicity of just asking "could this end up causing resentment?" and if so, trying to have those conversations in a caring but honest way, and definitely without shaming.
Thanks for your clear visualizations! And why don’t we learn about this at school?!
Thank you! And great question. My niece (9) has definitely had more education around self awareness and communication than I ever got in school though, so that gives me some hope. But definitely feels like an area that could have such tremendous payoff (and avoid so much pain) if it was taught seriously throughout elementary school.