A quirk I have a ton of unnecessary shame around is how I react when it's time to leave someone's house. Doesn’t matter how amazing of a time we just had or how long I've known them...when it's time to say goodbye, I start to spiral over:
- feeling like I've missed a bunch of social cues that they wanted me out of their house hours ago
- are there still dishes in the sink?! Omg I didn't help clean up, I'm a horrible guest.
- are they a hugger? Did that hangout constitute a hug? If I leave without hugging am I an asshole?
- wanting to tell them I'd like to do that again, but if I say it as I'm leaving (especially if they don't feel the same...after all, look at how I just left their kitchen) is that desperate? Maybe I should wait a day to text them? Wait, why am I am treating my years long friendship like a first date?
I'm getting better at recognizing the absurdity of it and trying to have more compassion for the inevitable awkwardness I know I'll experience every time I say yes to an invitation, but it's a work in progress for sure!
My social anxiety doesn't come in the form of dreading restaurant hosts, but boy can I relate to immediately second-guessing after social interactions, worrying people don't want to hear from me (including in this situation 😄), and anxiety around working with tradespeople. I felt like I needed something to do instead of the using fear and control because just trying to not fear or control things is pretty useless. I decided that the opposite of control is trust, so when I'm starting to worry about something I look for the things in the situation that I trust, such as in my real-time judgements of people's social reactions, in why I like my friends and what they've said to me and what that probably means about them wanting to connect with me, and in the professionalism of the professional I'm calling and also the knowledge of how I want to work with people (if they can't explain things I don't know or understand without condescending, I'm outta there)
I really like your focus on trust as a way to get through your anxiety, thank you for sharing that! I especially like that it still gives you an appropriate out if you can't find any trust in a situation. (Totally agree on having zero tolerance for condescension of any form.)
This is extremely relatable! I'm much more comfortable on the phone after many years of practice, but I still don't enjoy it.
My quirk is anxiety around reaching out to friends, especially if it's been a while. I get so anxious that I've done something to upset them or they don't want to be my friend anymore or they'll remember that I forgot their birthday and therefore don't even want to hear from me, that I ... put it off. And I'm pretty sure just reaching out to say hello or share something would be totally welcome? Instead, anxiety spirals all the way down, which then makes me feel like I'm a terrible bad friend (full of shame!)
Thank you for sharing this, Patrick! I'll definitely be thinking about other ways this shows up in my life.
Thanks for sharing your quirk Christy! And thanks for subscribing! I can totally relate. I've had to really train myself to think "ok what would I want if I were in this person's shoes?" - and yeah, the answer is pretty much always that I'd just want to hear from the person, no matter the situation. Definitely doesn't help that the longer I procrastinate on reaching out, the worse (more ashamed) I feel.
I've got a future post in mind all about how hard this can get when the person you haven't reached out to goes through some sort of loss or trauma... adds a whole layer of complexity on both sides.
"I’ve been taught that getting a table at a busy restaurant is a matter of throwing your masculinity around in a confident and arrogant way."
Really?! Is this what many men are taught??😮 I honestly had no idea. But I can see how that alone would create massive anxiety.
As a fellow people-pleaser and 41 yr old, just know that you're not alone. So much of this is relatable! Especially trying to avoid small talk with neighbors.
It's helped me to know that 1) these small talk conversations are awkward for LOTS of people, and 2) even though it feels unpleasant these micro interactions are good for our psychological health. I lean into them a lot more now and use my dog as an excuse if I begin feeling I need to exit.😄
Yup! I don't think I was ever explicitly sat down and told that I should act in that way, but it was very much demonstrated over and over, and implied. I have definitely lived a life constantly driven by anxiety around not doing the right thing. Thanks for sharing what's been helpful for you! I definitely agree that while I dread the micro interactions, they almost always end up making me feel better (to the point of feeling silly that I was dreading them in the first place). Good on you for leaning into them! Maybe it's time for me to leash train my cats so I have them as excuses... 🤔
A quirk I have a ton of unnecessary shame around is how I react when it's time to leave someone's house. Doesn’t matter how amazing of a time we just had or how long I've known them...when it's time to say goodbye, I start to spiral over:
- feeling like I've missed a bunch of social cues that they wanted me out of their house hours ago
- are there still dishes in the sink?! Omg I didn't help clean up, I'm a horrible guest.
- are they a hugger? Did that hangout constitute a hug? If I leave without hugging am I an asshole?
- wanting to tell them I'd like to do that again, but if I say it as I'm leaving (especially if they don't feel the same...after all, look at how I just left their kitchen) is that desperate? Maybe I should wait a day to text them? Wait, why am I am treating my years long friendship like a first date?
I'm getting better at recognizing the absurdity of it and trying to have more compassion for the inevitable awkwardness I know I'll experience every time I say yes to an invitation, but it's a work in progress for sure!
Totally relate, Jessi. Ha!
My social anxiety doesn't come in the form of dreading restaurant hosts, but boy can I relate to immediately second-guessing after social interactions, worrying people don't want to hear from me (including in this situation 😄), and anxiety around working with tradespeople. I felt like I needed something to do instead of the using fear and control because just trying to not fear or control things is pretty useless. I decided that the opposite of control is trust, so when I'm starting to worry about something I look for the things in the situation that I trust, such as in my real-time judgements of people's social reactions, in why I like my friends and what they've said to me and what that probably means about them wanting to connect with me, and in the professionalism of the professional I'm calling and also the knowledge of how I want to work with people (if they can't explain things I don't know or understand without condescending, I'm outta there)
I really like your focus on trust as a way to get through your anxiety, thank you for sharing that! I especially like that it still gives you an appropriate out if you can't find any trust in a situation. (Totally agree on having zero tolerance for condescension of any form.)
This is extremely relatable! I'm much more comfortable on the phone after many years of practice, but I still don't enjoy it.
My quirk is anxiety around reaching out to friends, especially if it's been a while. I get so anxious that I've done something to upset them or they don't want to be my friend anymore or they'll remember that I forgot their birthday and therefore don't even want to hear from me, that I ... put it off. And I'm pretty sure just reaching out to say hello or share something would be totally welcome? Instead, anxiety spirals all the way down, which then makes me feel like I'm a terrible bad friend (full of shame!)
Thank you for sharing this, Patrick! I'll definitely be thinking about other ways this shows up in my life.
Thanks for sharing your quirk Christy! And thanks for subscribing! I can totally relate. I've had to really train myself to think "ok what would I want if I were in this person's shoes?" - and yeah, the answer is pretty much always that I'd just want to hear from the person, no matter the situation. Definitely doesn't help that the longer I procrastinate on reaching out, the worse (more ashamed) I feel.
I've got a future post in mind all about how hard this can get when the person you haven't reached out to goes through some sort of loss or trauma... adds a whole layer of complexity on both sides.
"I’ve been taught that getting a table at a busy restaurant is a matter of throwing your masculinity around in a confident and arrogant way."
Really?! Is this what many men are taught??😮 I honestly had no idea. But I can see how that alone would create massive anxiety.
As a fellow people-pleaser and 41 yr old, just know that you're not alone. So much of this is relatable! Especially trying to avoid small talk with neighbors.
It's helped me to know that 1) these small talk conversations are awkward for LOTS of people, and 2) even though it feels unpleasant these micro interactions are good for our psychological health. I lean into them a lot more now and use my dog as an excuse if I begin feeling I need to exit.😄
Great post!
Yup! I don't think I was ever explicitly sat down and told that I should act in that way, but it was very much demonstrated over and over, and implied. I have definitely lived a life constantly driven by anxiety around not doing the right thing. Thanks for sharing what's been helpful for you! I definitely agree that while I dread the micro interactions, they almost always end up making me feel better (to the point of feeling silly that I was dreading them in the first place). Good on you for leaning into them! Maybe it's time for me to leash train my cats so I have them as excuses... 🤔
I'd go out of my way to talk to someone with a cat on a lease just to figure out how you got him/her to go along with that.😅