No really, How are you?

An explicit structure for starting conversations with connection.

Checked in.

For pretty much my entire life I’ve been aware of a collective bemoaning of the social greeting norm of “How are you?”: “Fine” or “How’s it going?”: “Good.” A question that isn’t what it portends to be; an automatic answer that even if true is painfully superficial. But for all the complaints, I hadn’t come across an alternative that actually does the job, that truly promotes a deeper sense of connection, until this past year.

Here’s how it works. Let’s say you’re meeting up with a couple of friends for coffee. You sit down with your drinks and instead of launching into whatever topic comes up, you suggest, “Let’s start with check-ins.” You go around the group, with each person having 2-3 minutes to share what’s going on for them at the moment. Crucially, when each person is sharing, they get the undivided attention of everyone else. No advice giving, commiseration, or interruptions of any type until that person is finished. Once they’re done, there can be a sentence or two from others around what they said, then it immediately moves on to the next person. It’s a simple practice, but I continue to find it incredibly beneficial in my relationships.

Why it works so well:

• Everyone gets an equal opportunity to share from the start. I find it much easier to reveal where I’m at in the moment if I know everyone else will do the same, and it helps set the tone of the entire conversation.

• Reduced likelihood of being blindsided by a big reveal late in a conversation. Ever had someone bring up something massive happening in their lives right before you need to wrap up? Or have you ever wanted to mention something, but never felt like you had the chance? Check-ins can provide an opportunity to bring up the big stuff at the beginning, instead of waiting for the right moment, which may never arrive.

• The focus of the entire conversation tends to end up where it belongs. I’ve found when everyone shares where they’re at up front, the right area(s) to focus on next becomes immediately obvious. You don’t end up wasting an hour on one person’s recounting of getting their car fixed, when another person has been really struggling in their marriage lately and needs advice.

• We’re less likely to mask when we start with an explicit invitation to reveal our current experiences. If I start by letting everyone know I’m super distracted by the exam I have coming up, I’m less likely to pretend that I’m completely present, and others may be less frustrated when they see me struggling to focus.

• The explicit structure helps to balance out groups (or pairs) where some tend to monopolize the time and others tend to be a bit more reserved and quiet.

• Setting an immediate context of “When one person is speaking, the rest of us listen intently and don’t interrupt,” often carries beyond the check-ins into the entire gathering.

Keys to successful check-ins:

• When speaking, focus on what’s on your mind at this moment: Where your attention keeps wandering to, what big thing is taking up your thoughts, your current mood.

• Equal time and focus for all participants.

• When starting out or in bigger groups, have a timekeeper and an agreed upon way to indicate non-verbally when 30 seconds are remaining and when time is up.

• I generally find check-ins most beneficial in groups of two to five. Beyond that, it can be hard for the participants to stay focused and engaged. For larger groups, a quick check-in of a sentence or two can still provide some benefit without taking up too much time.

How check-ins can go off the rails:

• One person monopolizes the time, resulting in one extra long share and several short ones, or in there not being enough time for others to share at all.

• Participants just recite what’s been happening in their lives, instead of focusing on what’s alive for them in the current moment.

• Not having a stated expectation around how much total time the check-ins should take. Suddenly what could’ve been a quick chance to connect ends up consuming the entire gathering.

• Any sort of interruption or movement from a check-in to a conversation. Often a quick “let’s continue on this topic once all the check-ins are complete” is enough to keep things moving. There can be a strong pull towards ending the check-ins early when one person shares something big, but I’ve found it’s better to acknowledge this and return to it once everyone has shared.

Just this morning I was getting coffee with a close friend. An hour into our conversation, we were both feeling disconnected and at odds. Stepping back, we discovered neither of us had shared where we were actually at when we arrived, and thus ended up on a topic that I didn’t have the mental bandwidth for. A quick couple minutes each up front would’ve set a much more appropriate context for our conversation, and helped us end up at a point of connection instead of frustration. Next time, we’re starting with a check-in.