At a holiday crafting/movie friends night a few weeks ago, my friend who was hosting had us all go around and give “a rose and a thorn” from our week, which feels very similar to this. And we’d get a little diverted and ask questions but everyone was very committed to getting the group back on track to get around the circle. It felt adorably awkward at first at what was a casual hang, but it was just so SO good for getting us all on the same page when we are all so scattered with our lives. It was especially great during the holidays because we were all feeling that extra pressure too. For me at least it immediately helped all my other interactions that evening feel deeper and closer because I had a structured peek into what everyone was dealing with. 🩵
Oh I love that one! I've done rose/bud/thorn in the past (bud being something you're excited about that's just getting started.) I have found that it can take longer than the check-ins, so may need a little more space, but also can be a nice extra-structured way to introduce people to the concept generally. I can also so deeply relate to that "adorably awkward" sensation that comes up when doing this kind of stuff. I think I have gotten to the point of just welcoming that, but it took awhile. Totally agree that this kind of thing can set the context/tone for everything afterwards - like it welcomes just a tad more vulnerability and depth than might be present otherwise. Feels a little silly talking about the weather after everyone shares something they're struggling with.
This sounds very much like what I learned to call the Way of Council. That's a more formalized session, using a talking piece, that runs along 4 principles:
- Speak from the heart
- Listen with the heart
- Get to the heart of the matter
- Be spontaneous
It's used among friends (I meet with a group on Zoom every week), but also on the work floor, schools, and even prisons. As Moorea said, it can be used in larger groups but then with variations (otherwise it can get very lengthy). Even though it has a formal structure, it can be very transformative.
Oh I like that! Have not heard of quite that formulation, but hews closely to what I've experienced in authentic relating and circling (or at least the type of circling I've been exposed to). The focus on what's here now (instead of just devolving into long stories) and the importance of deep listening seem to be real through lines.
“Rose-Bud-Thorn” is also a nice tool for encourages responses than are both succinct & current. (edited that I saw Gillian suggested the same exercise 😊)
This is such a game changer. The first time I encountered this kind of process was in my recovery group and it changed my whole way of interacting with people. Even one to one, as you said above. It's amazing how different my relationships are because of this. They are way better.
Ah that's great to hear, sounds so well suited to that kind of group! I happened upon it in my men's group and in authentic relating circles at nearly the same time. Took me awhile to fully appreciate it, but I find myself turning to it more and more. Hopefully by writing this I'll feel a bit more free in bringing it to even more situations.
Ah that's cool to hear a full hour of it worked in that situation! I've found it hard for some people (myself included) not to lose focus after say the first 15-20 minutes of it. Just curious, was that at the beginning of a longer event/meeting, or was that the entire gathering?
For the entire gathering. I do remember another one where everyone checked in at the end, and people were remarking that the entire meeting would have been better if it were more like the check-in. (I don't remember if they called it a check-in, but that's basically what it was). Your reasons for this structure are so true.
Recently some friends and I have been experimenting with bringing ideas from our professional 1:1s to our friendship touchpoints. Porting from the other direction, I guess. :)
For instance, we’re remote now and don’t get the casual day-to-day updates as much, so I've started taking notes about what’s going on in their life when we talk. It’s helped me be a more engaged friend, esp remembering to check in when specific things were coming up for them.
Yeah I love that. I remember the first time I took notes like that in a personal context, I had a real resistance to it. Felt like I was somehow bringing bureaucracy to our friendship, or if I was a good enough friend my memory would just work well enough to not need notes. These days I realize it's just a way for me to admit how systems can be of use throughout my life, even in non-standard ways.
At a holiday crafting/movie friends night a few weeks ago, my friend who was hosting had us all go around and give “a rose and a thorn” from our week, which feels very similar to this. And we’d get a little diverted and ask questions but everyone was very committed to getting the group back on track to get around the circle. It felt adorably awkward at first at what was a casual hang, but it was just so SO good for getting us all on the same page when we are all so scattered with our lives. It was especially great during the holidays because we were all feeling that extra pressure too. For me at least it immediately helped all my other interactions that evening feel deeper and closer because I had a structured peek into what everyone was dealing with. 🩵
Oh I love that one! I've done rose/bud/thorn in the past (bud being something you're excited about that's just getting started.) I have found that it can take longer than the check-ins, so may need a little more space, but also can be a nice extra-structured way to introduce people to the concept generally. I can also so deeply relate to that "adorably awkward" sensation that comes up when doing this kind of stuff. I think I have gotten to the point of just welcoming that, but it took awhile. Totally agree that this kind of thing can set the context/tone for everything afterwards - like it welcomes just a tad more vulnerability and depth than might be present otherwise. Feels a little silly talking about the weather after everyone shares something they're struggling with.
This sounds very much like what I learned to call the Way of Council. That's a more formalized session, using a talking piece, that runs along 4 principles:
- Speak from the heart
- Listen with the heart
- Get to the heart of the matter
- Be spontaneous
It's used among friends (I meet with a group on Zoom every week), but also on the work floor, schools, and even prisons. As Moorea said, it can be used in larger groups but then with variations (otherwise it can get very lengthy). Even though it has a formal structure, it can be very transformative.
My friend Dave is a facilitator who trains other facilitators. His website explains it more: https://watermelon-chihuahua-n8yd.squarespace.com/
Oh I like that! Have not heard of quite that formulation, but hews closely to what I've experienced in authentic relating and circling (or at least the type of circling I've been exposed to). The focus on what's here now (instead of just devolving into long stories) and the importance of deep listening seem to be real through lines.
“Rose-Bud-Thorn” is also a nice tool for encourages responses than are both succinct & current. (edited that I saw Gillian suggested the same exercise 😊)
This is such a game changer. The first time I encountered this kind of process was in my recovery group and it changed my whole way of interacting with people. Even one to one, as you said above. It's amazing how different my relationships are because of this. They are way better.
Ah that's great to hear, sounds so well suited to that kind of group! I happened upon it in my men's group and in authentic relating circles at nearly the same time. Took me awhile to fully appreciate it, but I find myself turning to it more and more. Hopefully by writing this I'll feel a bit more free in bringing it to even more situations.
Sounds like a great idea to me! I've also done this in groups of 20-25 people, so it takes up a whole hour. I liked hearing from everyone in the room.
Ah that's cool to hear a full hour of it worked in that situation! I've found it hard for some people (myself included) not to lose focus after say the first 15-20 minutes of it. Just curious, was that at the beginning of a longer event/meeting, or was that the entire gathering?
For the entire gathering. I do remember another one where everyone checked in at the end, and people were remarking that the entire meeting would have been better if it were more like the check-in. (I don't remember if they called it a check-in, but that's basically what it was). Your reasons for this structure are so true.
I’m working at a coffeeshop today and three people at the table behind me are doing “Rose, Bud, Thorn”! 🥰
Recently some friends and I have been experimenting with bringing ideas from our professional 1:1s to our friendship touchpoints. Porting from the other direction, I guess. :)
For instance, we’re remote now and don’t get the casual day-to-day updates as much, so I've started taking notes about what’s going on in their life when we talk. It’s helped me be a more engaged friend, esp remembering to check in when specific things were coming up for them.
Yeah I love that. I remember the first time I took notes like that in a personal context, I had a real resistance to it. Felt like I was somehow bringing bureaucracy to our friendship, or if I was a good enough friend my memory would just work well enough to not need notes. These days I realize it's just a way for me to admit how systems can be of use throughout my life, even in non-standard ways.